The long and torturous road known as the 60th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards aired tonight, and there really were very few moments to single out and celebrate. I have chosen some very specific moments to dissect.
This year's hosts were all "reality" show hosts. Tom "Not Funny" Bergeron, Heidi "Not In The Same Dress Twice" Klum, Ryan "Not Without My Spray On Tan" Seacrest, Howie "Not Without My Meds" Mandel, and Jeff "I Have An Oddly Shaped Penis" Probst. These five were selected because 2008 marks the first year that Outstanding Reality/Reality Competition Host. Outstanding? Really?
Personally, I think this is one of those awards that should be given out three weeks prior to the main event by some Q-List actress at a luncheon at The Abbey.
Which brings me to this post's title...Howie went off on a couple of tangents. Some say Red Bull, I say White Bull *wink,wink*.
Then, here comes the fabulous Kristin Chenowith and Neil Patrick Harris. Up until now, NPH hasn't really been much of A Gay, outside of walking his dogs with his lovah, but tonight was perfection:
NPH: "Thanks to Howie's prattling on...our bit has been cut."
KC: "Bitter, Party of Two?"
NPH: "That's right."
HAHA! You big homo! I love it!
Next up, Kathy Griffin and Don Rickles. I know, right? First off, Kathy is a gay man, trapped in a drag queen, trapped in a woman's body. Somehow, somebody convinced her to go crazy with the hair extensions. She looked like Whitesnake meets Markie Post. I never cared for Don Rickles, but he's been in the biz a long time so I give him props for that. Anyway, they're making their way to the stage and Kathy yells at the audience, "GET UP!" Nice. Force the display of respect.
Their "bit" is torture since he keeps going off, but you just know that Kathy is going to work this into her show. Picture it:
"So I'm sitting there backstage with Rickles and he pops in his teeth right before we go out..."
Next, I want to call out Ricky Gervais. He is a funny son of a bitch and if you don't know who he is, then find out. When in doubt, call in the Brits, I say. Ricky presents an acceptance speech montage which ends showing a group hug with Steve Carrell, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. "Look at those fags." Whaaaaaaaatt!!! I love it. I don't think everybody heard him. Either that or they were too busy asking each other, "Who is that?"
Look of the Night:
Goes to David Boreanz. The D List actor gets paired with Lauren Conrad. Lauren Conrad! Talk about famous for nothing! These brats make Paris Hilton look like the hardest working gal in show biz!
Anyhoo, the look on David's face is one of pure, seething anger. You can almost taste the bile building in the back of his throat as he reads the cue cards. When she fucks up, he cracks the biggest smile. Ah, the sweet taste of redemption.
Next, we have the requisite "In Memoriam" presentation which makes you say, "REALLY? WHEN?" more than, "aww."
However, I think tonight's show will go down in history as having a death during the actual broadcast. Josh Groban's career suffered an untimely death following his disastrous, embarrassing, meth-fueled ricockulous performance.
Withered and Nasty:
Mary Tyler Moore in a sleeveless gown.
Classy and Smart:
Betty White covered from neck to ankle.
And, finally, an Honourable Mention goes to the dim blonde sitting behind Ricky Gervais.
During Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's award presentation, they both remark that politics will not be discussed, it's about the award. So while Stewart presents, Colbert is eating a bag of prunes. He refers to them as shriveled, old, and hard to swallow but having much needed experience.
Pan to Gervais and the idiot behind him leans over to her date and says, "What's he talking about?"
Oh, honey. Stick to The Hills.